If I let it, my mind can wander so far that it takes awhile for it to find it's way back home again. Tonight happens to be one of those times. I have to be up at 6am tomorrow morning and even though I can feel a wave of sleep coming over me I'm not quite ready to turn in. I've been thinking over this last year a lot over the past couple of weeks. A lot has happened. A lot has changed, both in my life and in my heart. I've had many new experiences this year and each one left it's own unique fingerprint on my life.
I have learned a lot about dependency this year. Choosing to stay live at home during University proved to be a blessing in disguise as I stuggled to gain my balance, but it also left me wishing for independance that was simply beyond my means at the time. However, the dependency that my mind seems to wander to tonight falls not into the financial category, but into the relational one.
I would not say that I have a lot of friends. At least, not a lot of close ones. See, I'm the type of person who, no one really dislikes, but no one really knows either. And that's not really anyones fault but my own. This means, then, that if I call you a close friend, that you have by some miracle, broken down the protective barrier that I have placed around my self which normally resembles a smile. And I love you for it. You have seen me at my best and at my worst. You have seen me cry and laugh so hard that tears of joy have streamed down my face. But, most importantly, you have taken me as I am, regardless of all of that.
Now, what does that have to do with dependency? Well, individuals who fit the above description are few and far between. There are those friends who know me on the surface. Like I said before, that protective barrier is hard to penetrate. But, becasue these are the friends that are around most of the time, they are the ones that I come to depend on....for too much. For my value, my self worth, my mood for the day. Sometimes they come through. Other times they don't. That, is life. Life can hurt.
So, this is where the awesome part comes in :) I don't know if you've read my little autobiography on the side of this page, but I mention in there that I am in love with the God of the universe....I'm not saying that to try to be funny or sound important; I wrote it because it's true. And, He is the one that I need to be depenant on. This is what He's taught me through all of the drama, tears and healing of this year. Through my first relationship, start of university and struggling with who I am, I have found that sometimes, in order to have the longing to have God close and in the day to day, He needs to pull away sometimes. That we were made to be in community, but that if I place all my worth on who calls and to what extent I am included, I am placing my dependency with people who are going to let me down.
I have a friend (one of those rare few who have broken my protective barrier), who sends out a text message every day with a verse of encouragement. Today, it was from Joshua 1:5 - "I will never leave you nor forsake you." He never does! I pray that I can wake up every morning with that promise on my heart, and take comfort that He broke through my protective barrier years ago....He was jus waiting for me to open my heart to Him :)
Lots of Love
God Bless
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